Broke, divorced, & middle-aged

Have you been in the wilderness of life??

What follows are the circuitous thoughts of a man in transition "in a thousand words." Originally written about 4 years ago, it seems to capture pain, confusion, and at the same time, hope upon exiting a wilderness journey. We don't all "wilderness well." I admire the guys who do (and yet sometimes question if they have been completely honest with us) and relate to the guys who don't!

What have I done and what am I supposed to be doing?  The world tells me I’m destined for greatness… if I do it right.  The Bible tells me I’m destined for greatness because I’m a child of the King.  Here I am a middle-aged white male, more or less broke, underemployed for two years, widowed, divorced, and single.  The personal ad writes itself!

O.K.  I embellished.  A little.  The reality is that when I wrote the script of my life as a child and young adult, in no way does the present reality resemble that script.  My current mental battles:

What is it that I’m supposed to be doing right now and what does that look like for me?

Why can’t I figure out the answer, am I not following God’s direction, am I stupid?

What am I missing? 

The current season of my life started as I began to transform physically and mentally.  Essentially, getting back to who I really am, escaping the shell of the man I was.  That started the quest that had been simmering yet suppressed in me for decades: helping men be better men.  As far as coaching men, starting my own business, and looking for a full-time job, nothing has gained traction.  Thus the question, what am I missing?  What am I not seeing?  What am I not hearing?  God, I want to do what you have planned for me, I think I’m guessing wrong?  The negative self-talk is usually kept in check, however, when I’m mentally fatigued, it can grow louder: “some people are meant to not have anything going for them… and you might be one of them, I mean look at the data….”

My current support system is high quality.  I have a confidential inner circle of two.  They know most or all of my story, struggles, current circumstances, and anxieties.  Advice, warnings, encouragement, cautions, and wisdom are received from this inner circle.

My quiet time has been solid for the last 3 years.  Daily reading of a Proverb, a NT chapter or two along with some commentary notes, prayer time, and brief study work.  Recently finished Ecclesiastes study and currently reading Bonhoeffer.  I have, however, had a personal relationship with Jesus since I was a child.  I’ve had various levels of quiet time over the decades, but never as consistent as this current season.  

I have been an active member in every church I’ve attended.  The closures that were the result of reactions to the virus occurred as I was looking for a new church, so I have not had the opportunity to develop new relationships and can not wait to become part of a church family again.  

I have come to appreciate podcasts for learning more about theology, men’s topics, and leadership.  Notable ones that have educated and challenged me are Craig Groeschel’s Leadership podcast, Men in the Arena Christian Men’s podcast, Theology and Apologetics podcast (Thomas Fretwell), and, recently, The Paul Tripp podcast.

Quite honestly the list of books would be impressive as well, but that’s quite enough.  I love to learn, and I’ve expanded my learning to areas I have not bothered with much.  Apologetics for one and material that deals with topics that I didn’t care to learn more about like suffering, for example.

So what has God been doing in me?  I suppose preparation comes to mind, maybe even sanctification.  I know my calling is to help men.  The need is so great.  I see things preparing me, sharpening me, exposing me, and yet it’s just not there yet.  Where’s there?  I dunno.  However, moving forward with perseverance, faith, re-evaluation, and hope despite ever-present circumstantial anxiety and fear is my current approach.

The integration of my faith in the day-to-day mundane has increased.  My faith has strengthened, stretched, and is still a work in progress.  To me, that statement is something I would never have thought I’d type given how I thought I’d already been there, done that.

The passage that has guided me for the last several years is 2 Peter 1:8:

“For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Childhood was easy.  Good parents, saved as a child, active in Awana and youth groups, great at sports, decent student, graduated from college, career, got married, had a baby, family active in church.  Became a widow and single father.  I did not wilderness well.  In the darkest of days in acute grief I didn’t want anything to do with God.  Faith was tested and survived.

I, however, made an extremely poor decision.  Four years later I remarried.  The poor decision was not in getting remarried, it was the who.  Faith tested again.  And again, and again.  I will make this work, I will be a solid Christian man, I know my duty, I will, God you gotta help…  I’m pretty sure he said, “well, you made your bed..”  After the divorce was finalized, I was thankful to God for the exit, but I was questioning and angry at why he would let me make such an important wrong decision.  Eventually, I took full responsibility for my decision to marry who I did, only occasionally blaming God.  I learned a few things, like the importance of having your inner circle.  I did not have anyone in my life whom I trusted that could have spoken into, or more aptly, against, that decision.

I’ve learned that we can endure a lot, but we need help.  We benefit from a solid faith in God before life’s crap happens, we benefit from pre-built close relationships that will weather the storms because of pre-existing relational equity, and we benefit from expert help at the right times.  Additionally, I’ve experienced that a gift of joy from God can occur in the midst of dark circumstances that inexplicably brings peace even within significant unknowns. 

I’ve been on the mat, a few times, hanging onto faith by my fingernails, telling God exactly what was on my mind.  Only by the grace of God do I still have enough faith and courage to have my story impact the lives of men just behind my timeline so that they will be able to do the same.

What comes to mind after reading and reflecting on this "story in a thousand words" is confirmation that the battle for a man's health in the spiritual, relationship, emotional, and physical domains is a fight worth engaging in and is essential for the larger battle of making disciples... by going, baptizing, and teaching. (Matthew 28:19-20) And make no mistake men, it's a war to keep us in the wilderness, damage us, and render us ineffective.